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Marriage Ads and Robots
By Juan L. Mercado
September 6,2009

(Did you hear what the robot bartender said about President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo? No? Then read the item below from Australia. It follows the reply, in Punjabi English, to a marriage proposal which first appeared in the Times of India. Philippine newspapers do not carry marriage proposal ads. See what we’re missing – JLM)

Madam : I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else.

Every morning I am going to the Jim. Come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do?

So, I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I will be loving you very hard every day.

If you are not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation. Expecting soon
Yours and only yours Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Punjab.

ROBOT BARTENDER: A man walked into the very latest high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, the robot clicked to attention and asked: "Sir, what will you have?"

"A martini please", he replied. The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

"Sir, what is your IQ?", the bartender asked. “About 164.", The robot then discussed the 'theory of relativity', 'space travel', medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was impressed, the man took a different tack, "A Martini please. It was even better than the first.. The robot again asked about his IQ

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started the latest basketball scores, Manny Paquiao’s late training star, formula one races.

”One more time,” the guy vowed. So he returned. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h G-L-O-R-I-A?

And from a friend in Boracay come this item titled “Professional Heckler.” In the Philippines, hew reports: “Experts have advised computer users in the Philippines to “take extreme caution”. Why? Several new computer viruses have cropped up. Watch for the following:

The Gloria Arroyo Virus: Despite several attempts to remove it, it stays in your computerThe Joseph Estrada Virus: You end your computer session and it keeps coming back. The Manny Villar Virus: When it infects the system, it doubles and then inserts itself as an email attachment.

The Loren Legarda Virus: It targets old files The Panfilo Lacson Virus: Terminates programs without warning. The Celso De Los Angeles Virus: Saves all your data and then corrupts them. The Chiz Escudero Virus: Appears harmless but has a hidden agenda.

The Bayan Muna Virus: It attacks the system. The Jamby Madrigal Virus: Projects itself as a worm and infects rich text format documents only

The Noli De Castro Virus: It makes your computer run slow. The Lito Lapid Virus: Similar to The Noli De Castro Virus but your computer runs much slower. The Bong Revilla Virus: It screws up everything.

The Gov. Ed Panlilio Virus: Originally appeared as an anti-virus until the corrupted system changed its behaviorThe Edgardo Angara Virus: A variant of the Trojan Horse virus: has complete access to the system; gathers info and then re-sends it outside users

The Jose Ma. Sison Virus: It can destroy your files from a remote computer. The Jovito Palparan Virus: A file just disappears from the computer and never shows up again

The Bureau of Customs Virus: It installs hidden programs, such as pirated softwareThe Tasaday Virus Ignore it. It’s just a hoax. The Eddie Villanueva Virus: It has 5 million variants The John Osmeña Virus: Loves to target the hard drive

The Willie Revillame Virus: Fills up your computer with garbage. The Iglesia Ni Cristo Virus: It dictates how the entire system will process. The Abu Sayyaf Virus: You press the “Delete Key” and it activates the “Escape” [Esc] key instead

The Cecile Guidote-Alvarez Virus: You press the “Return Key” and there’s no response. The Danilo Suarez & Martin Romualdez Virus: It directly targets computer menus. The Ka Roger Rosal Virus: It cannot be found.

The Smart and Globe Virus: Keeps sending unwanted spam mails resulting in the disappearance of data. The Susan Roces Virus: It infects the system not just once but twice. The Vicki Belo Virus: Anti-viruses find it hard to identify since it constantly alters its appearance.“

You can log off now. Enjoy your Sunday -- JLM


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